Free 72 oz Steak

For hundreds of miles, you've been seeing the billboards---building up an appetite.

And sure, the sign really does say "Free 72 oz steak," but what is the fine print? Oh, you have to eat the steak with all of the normal sides in less than an hour? And you have to sit on this big platform in the middle of the restaurant with everyone watching. And if you don't finish in time, it costs $425 (not actual price, I made that up). I see.

You know, this place reminds me of writing grant proposals. You work like hell with the promise of getting some "free" money. Afterwards, you're so bloated and exhausted from the process that you just want to drop dead and die. Then, should you be lucky enough to actually get the money, it comes with so many hidden strings attached to it that you actually do drop dead in your office one day.

No, no thanks. I think I'll have the 12 oz Filet and, well, what the heck---bring me the 32 oz beer. Oh, and I'm paying cash...